Health

Fern Launches 'Whip Your Guts Out' Diet Plan

FERN Britton has launched a new weight loss programme based on a strict combination of fruit, pilates and six hours of major abdominal surgery.

Statins Free Up Time For Golf, Say Docs

STATINS are a wonder drug which allow doctors to spend an extra three afternoons a week on the golf course, the British Medical Association said last night.

Britain Falls Into A Hedge

EVERYONE in Britain has had to go to hospital in the last 12 months after falling into a hedge on the way home.

Listening To Sting Makes Wine Taste Like Tramp’s Piss

LISTENING to any record by Sting while drinking wine will make even the finest vintage taste like rancid tramp's urine, research reveals.

Sharp Fall In Wives Worth Having Sex With, Says Relate

THE number of wives still worth having sexual intercourse with has fallen to an all-time low, marriage experts have announced.

One In Four Teens Pretending To Be Depressed

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals. 

Eating Special 'K' Linked To Girly Boys

WOMEN who eat Special 'K' around the time of conception are more likely to have a boy, but it will be a girly boy, according to new research.

Women Find It Harder To Quit Smoking During Periods, Says Insensitive Prick

WOMEN stand a greater chance of giving up smoking if they quit before their period starts, according to some ignorant bastard who can just fuck off and die.