Government Finally Agrees To Stop People Going Blind

THE department of health last night grudgingly agreed to stop people going blind for no reason.

Weight-Loss Water Firm Told To Remove Ebola Virus

A FIRM which claims its bottled water can help with weight loss has been told to stop filling it with the ebola virus.

Worrall Thompson Foiled

CELEBRITY chef Antony Worrall Thompson has been foiled in his bid to kill the entire readership of Healthy & Organic Living magazine.

Parents To Be Sent Drawing Of Fat Child

PARENTS of fat children are to be sent sketches of their overweight kids after the government banned schools from describing them as obese.

OAP Singles Not Mad, Just Naked

TALKING to yourself and walking around the house in the nude does not mean you are insane, elderly single people said last night.

Fat Gene Made My Baby Explode

ANGRY parents are demanding compensation after an obesity gene made them feed their children until they popped.

Smokers Urge Gates To Produce Software That Actually Fucking Works

SMOKERS have urged Bill Gates to produce a range of software that doesn't have them reaching for a cigarette every time it crashes.

Alcohol To Carry 'Shitfaced' Warning

BOTTLES and cans of alcohol are to carry labels warning consumers they could end up shitfaced.