PARENTS of fat children are to be sent sketches of their overweight kids after the government banned schools from describing them as obese.
TALKING to yourself and walking around the house in the nude does not mean you are insane, elderly single people said last night.
ANGRY parents are demanding compensation after an obesity gene made them feed their children until they popped.
SMOKERS have urged Bill Gates to produce a range of software that doesn't have them reaching for a cigarette every time it crashes.
BOTTLES and cans of alcohol are to carry labels warning consumers they could end up shitfaced.
A NEW prostate cancer drug which could save thousands of lives is still not as good as The Wire, critics said last night.
TEENAGERS are being urged to sponge themselves thoroughly following a sharp increase in young person's sex diseases.
THE British government is in the grip of a chronic addiction to prescription painkillers, experts claimed last night.