Artificial Heart Patients Will Have No Soul, Admit Docs

PATIENTS who are given artificial hearts will lose their soul, doctors admitted last night.

Medical Training To Cover Death From 2011

NEW doctors are to be trained how to spot death, the department of health announced yesterday.

Tomato Ketchup Not A Main Course, Say Docs

SCHOOLS across England and Wales have been reminded not to serve tomato ketchup as a main course.

Smokers Forced To Wear Their Lungs As A Hat

SMOKERS are to be forced to walk around wearing their lungs on their head, under tough new government rules.

Your vagina is not a kitchen, women told

WOMEN who want to redesign their front bottom were last night reminded that it's not actually a kitchen.

Women Blame Nightmares On Rectal Gas

SLEEPING next to 18 stone of relentlessly guffing middle-aged water buffalo can cause nightmares, research suggests.

Everyone Dead By Teatime

THE greatest experiment in the history of physics will begin this morning, followed shortly after by your horrifyingly painful death.

Rubbing Groin And Staring Boosts Sex Appeal

RUBBING your groin and inner thigh while staring at women makes you more sexually attractive, according to a new study.