Health

Life Is Not Some Piece Of Shit Film, Women Told

WOMEN who think their relationships should mirror those in romantic comedies are pathetic, experts revealed last night.

Try Not To Vomit On Each Other, Say Docs

OFFICE workers can halt the spread of the winter vomiting virus by not vomiting on each other, doctors said last night.

Brown Sectioned

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night under observation in a London psychiatric hospital after claiming to be Spiderman.

NHS To Number Old People

ELDERLY people in hospital will be referred to by a number under new NHS guidelines.

Okay For Babies To Be Born Drunk, Say Docs

NEW evidence suggests it is safe for a baby to be born drunk, doctors said last night.

Artificial Heart Patients Will Have No Soul, Admit Docs

PATIENTS who are given artificial hearts will lose their soul, doctors admitted last night.

Medical Training To Cover Death From 2011

NEW doctors are to be trained how to spot death, the department of health announced yesterday.

Tomato Ketchup Not A Main Course, Say Docs

SCHOOLS across England and Wales have been reminded not to serve tomato ketchup as a main course.