Health

Old jar of lime pickle desperately needs to go in bin

THE ancient jar of lime pickle in your fridge door must be thrown away immediately, experts have confirmed.

Drinkers demand cure for arsehole alcohol personality

DRINKERS have demanded a cure for the weird and aggressive personality that seems to take over when they are extremely pissed.

30-year-old man unveils plan to just get fatter and fatter

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has announced that he will be getting fatter and fatter over the coming decades.

Cyclist knocks 0.3 seconds off commute with skintight lycra bodysuit

A CYCLIST has achieved a new personal best by commuting to work in a skintight lycra bodysuit that shows the exact outline of his penis.

We might be forced to talk to patients, say terrified senior doctors

SENIOR doctors have condemned plans for strike action by junior colleagues because it may lead to them communicating directly with patients.

Concern grows for man seen buying incense sticks

A MAN has bought some sandalwood-scented joss sticks, according to concerned onlookers.

NHS to go underground by 2020

THE NHS will be an illegal underground network of flooded black-market hospitals manned by sinister masked surgeons by 2020, it has emerged.

So I guess we’re staying out now, says third pint

A MAN’S third pint explained in a friendly but firm voice that he would be staying out for the rest of the evening, it has emerged.