Health

Busy mum taking her wine intravenously

A MOTHER has streamlined her wine consumption by feeding it directly into her bloodstream.

Everything in man's shopping basket has cheese on it or will have cheese added to it

A MAN has noticed that everything in his shopping basket is cheese, has cheese on it or will have cheese somehow added to it.

Man who has taken up boxing getting punched a lot

A MAN who has taken up boxing so he can tell people he is a boxer admitted he is basically paying money to get punched in the face.

We only need four hours' sleep, say very tired liars

ANYONE who claims they only need four hours sleep a night is a lying tired bastard, it has been confirmed.

Doctors' surgeries to become terrifying sex clubs, say old people

PLANS to ask patients about their sexuality mean doctors’ surgeries will become debauched sex clubs full of perverts, old people believe.

‘Self-soothing’ is bollocks, says baby

A BABY girl has confirmed that 'self-soothing' as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

Obese children less of a problem than the twats moaning about them

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

Grey-haired dead-eyed morning Wetherspoons drinker only 28

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged.