Health

Use Coma Patients As Draught Excluders, Says Minister

COMA patients should not be signed off sick as they can perform light tasks such as draught exclusion, the health minister Alan Johnson has announced.

Rizlas To Carry Cannabis Tedium Warning

RIZLA cigarette papers are to carry warnings that excessive cannabis smoking makes you incredibly boring and likely to bore others around you.

'Any Chance Of You Working For Five Minutes?' GPs Asked

THE Department of Health has written to GPs in England and Wales asking them if they wouldn't mind doing a bit of work, just for five minutes.

High Heels Attract Premature Ejaculating Foot Fetishists

WOMEN who wear high heels have poor sex lives because they only attract men who are premature ejaculating foot fetishists, a new study reveals. 

Pensioner Sex Is Dirty And Wrong, Say Docs

DIRTY pensioners are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned last night. 

Your Baby Is Not As Pathetic As You, Say Experts

WORRIED parents are being urged not to automatically assume that their baby is as pathetic and ill-informed as they are.

NHS To Replace Homeopathy With Medicine

THE NHS is to replace homeopathy with medicine after realising that a wet tea bag applied to the buttocks will not cure cancer. 

Foreigners Told To Have Their Babies In The Sink

FOREIGN mothers who think they can just come over here and have their baby in an NHS hospital have been told to give birth in the kitchen sink.