Health

Police To Wear Hairnets While Shooting Suspects In The Face

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

Leave bacon out of this, health experts warned

HEALTH experts have been issued with a 'final warning' after advising consumers to give up bacon.

Ulster Police Deafened By Catholic Screams

YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.

Getting Drunk And Urinating On Your Boss's Desk Is Not Your Fault, Say Experts

PEOPLE who get drunk and then empty their bladder on and around their boss's workspace are the victims of 21st century society, a major study has revealed.

Britain Hit By Obscenity Epidemic

BRITAIN is in the middle of an obscenity epidemic with most people expected to be foul-mouthed ‘fuckers’ by 2050, according to latest government estimates. 

Men Should Have Sex Every Day, Say Men

MEN should have sex every day, according to the latest scientific research by men.

Fat People More Dangerous Than Atomic Bomb

FAT people are now more destructive than the atomic bomb and will soon crush the earth to death – unless they eat if first, health secretary Alan Johnson said last night.

Drinking Boiled Twigs Will Not Cure Cancer, Say Docs

BOILING up a bag of foul smelling old twigs sold to you by a man who has no medical knowledge will not cure you of cancer, a shock new report claims today.