Health

It’s not a takeaway when we do it, say middle class people

THE middle classes have confirmed that they do not eat takeaways, even when buying food at an establishment and removing it to consume elsewhere.

Scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes

OLIVES are just normal grapes that have become evil, researchers have found.

Vegans still claiming they have their own cheese

VEGANS have repeated their claim that they have their own type of cheese.

You could reduce drug use instantly by just f**king off, Britain tells Tories

THE UK has told the Conservatives that they could halve drug use at a stroke by going away and never coming back.

Cheese is so good we’d freebase it if we could, agrees everyone

CHEESE is so good that if it were possible to cook it with a blowtorch and inhale it deeply into the lungs it would definitely be worth it, Britain has agreed.

Man who quit drinking and smoking now addicted to judging people

A MAN who adopted a ‘clean living’ lifestyle is now getting 'high' on being incredibly sanctimonious.

Former raver deeply disappointed by 'exercise high'

A MAN who spent his youth taking ecstasy is finding it impossible to reach the same levels of bliss by going to the gym, he has confirmed.

Man quits exercise for good after realising no-one else gives a shit

A MAN has stopped working out after realising no-one gives a tuppenny toss about how long he spends at the gym.