Health

Northern gonorrhoea hard as nails

THE North’s sexually transmitted diseases can beat any antibiotic on the market without putting their pints down, doctors have confirmed.

Mummy drinking whole bottle of grown-up Ribena before teatime

MUMMIES are very thirsty for their special Ribena in the afternoon, children have confirmed.

Women convinced that ‘hovering’ is a legitimate way to use a toilet

MILLIONS of otherwise rational women are trying to use toilets without touching them.

Woman not delighted to discover she is subject of stock photo illustrating ‘obesity’

A 43-YEAR-OLD woman has discovered that her stomach has become the standard image that illustrates news articles about obesity.

Obesity ‘can cause sanctimonious, idiotic advice’

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.

Street oregano being cut with other herbs

OREGANO bought on the streets is laced with other herbs that could have devastating effects on a tomato-based sauce.

Middle-class drinkers slur something about 'being able to handle it'

WEALTHY over-50s have slurred that they can look after themselves when it comes to alcohol.

Nation to be weaned off Percy Pigs

MARKS & Spencer is set to replace Percy Pigs with methadone at its tills.