Health

Sober Britons risk dangerous levels of clarity

AS the UK's alcohol intake falls, doctors have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

Really wanting a kebab not an emergency, Britain told

BRITONS have been reminded that having a strong desire for spicy meat is not a reason to dial 999.

No word for autism in Danish

BBC4 viewers have called on Scandinavia to incorporate its dysfunctional policewomen into the autistic spectrum.

Your school dinners are retro, pupils told

THE government is appealing to children's sense of nostalgia by promoting potato croquette-based school dinners as having a 'retro vibe'.

Smoothies contain dangerous levels of PR bullshit

THE amount of drivel on smoothie bottles could affect consumers' mental health, it has been claimed.

NHS hires doctors' relatives to ruin their weekends

DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.

Mobile phone risks purely git-based

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that the only long term risk associated with mobile phones is gittishness.

Recession not stopping Britain from stuffing its fat face

RECESSION, austerity and reduced spending power have not stopped Britain from ramming calories into the front of its head, scientists have confirmed.