Health

You need three months solid sleep for peak performance, say bears

SLEEPING solidly for around 100 days is the key to feeling on top, according to ursine sleep experts.

Junk food to come in immensely heavy packaging

IN a bid to encourage exercise, calorific food must now be sold in packaging that weighs at least 30kg.

Government hoping you die soon

WITH death rates at their lowest ever level, the government is encouraging you to die.

You're covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ's sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.

Switzerland doesn't give a shit what you think

COMPLAIN all you want, Switzerland doesn't care, it emerged last night.

Cats indifferent to your fate

REPORTS that a cat-borne parasite can seriously harm humans have been greeted with indifference by cats.