Health

Cats indifferent to your fate

REPORTS that a cat-borne parasite can seriously harm humans have been greeted with indifference by cats.

Low standards key to a good sex life

EXTREMELY low standards in your choice of partner are the key to a good sex life, it has been claimed.

Baldness anxiety cured by not giving a shit

MALE hair loss-related anxiety can be cured by growing a pair of balls and getting on with it, it has emerged.

Blowjobs great for everyone

BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.

NHS to export death in a corridor

MARKETING consultants are to sell NHS neglect to foreign countries.

Golf clubs besieged by sick people

AS the doctors' strike begins, thousands of sick people have descended on their GP's natural habitat, the golf course.

Sperm love to party down

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

Sober Britons risk dangerous levels of clarity

AS the UK's alcohol intake falls, doctors have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.