Parents Must Allow Children Sex Education Once They’re Already Having Sex

PARENTS' rights to withdraw their children from sex education will stop once the youngsters are already experienced in Dutch steamboating and the reverse clambake, the Government said last night.

YOU, want to teach ME, about sex

However, sex education classes in faith schools will have to reflect religious teachings, with Catholic lessons comprising of a huge diagram of a vagina entitled 'The Devil’s Sin Cavern'.

Other religious schools are expected to just scream threats of damnation into pupil’s faces for three terms.

Education minister Ed Balls said "We must respect a parent’s right to have their child wander through a school dripping with teenage hormones in a state of absolute ignorance.

"However, by the opt-out age of 15 most are already doing the kind of stuff that would make a 40-year-old Bangkok hooker throw up."

Pupils entering sex education after the opt-out age will be taught a fast-track syllabus to help them catch up with their peers, including field trips to Amsterdam and an intensive course on four man drytagging.

Teacher Tom Logan said "Sex education is always difficult, but I’ve managed to prepare an interactive 'bingo' lesson plan where pupils tick off each act of depravity they’ve already indulged in behind the local MFI.

"The first pupil to get a full house, which I recently learned from a year 10 pupil is also an act involving eight yards of duct tape and a live swan, is allowed to go home for the day, which I'm told is another act involving a pair of giant marrows and an industrial tub of sex jelly.”

Holly Turnbull, a year 11 skank from Pinner, said “Sex education in school is rubbish as it doesn’t cover important questions like how many dates do you have to go on before it's OK to do that thing that everyone says is so not painful and really much better than you even think it's going to be; one or two.

"Or the correct way to give somebody a rusty Frenchman.”