Public Must Choose Between Cure For Cancer And Invisibility Cloak
SCIENCE cannot defeat cancer and produce a magical see-through space coat, experts have warned.
Well done cancer
Leading scientists said research funds will be spread too thinly if they continue to pursue some dreary cure for a so-called terminal illness while also trying to make something as brilliant as an invisibility cloak.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A cure for cancer may be possible, but only if the scientific community stops wanting to live in a fantasy role-playing game. So that’s cancer pretty much off the hook.
“Probably the best way to handle this is some sort of public referendum, where beforehand we explain to everyone that they can either have a much greater probability of a long, healthy, relatively pain-free life or the ability to be a temporary poltergeist.
“I should add that focusing on cancer would also mean we’d also have to divert our resources away from other projects like a baseball cap with a helicopter on it that actually works and, of course, hoverboards.
“Round two to malignant tumours.”
Roy Hobbs, from Swindon, said: “I understand there’s something like a one-in-three chance of getting cancer during your lifetime. However I don’t have it right now so I’d prefer the magic coat.”
Emma Bradford, from Slough, added: “I think invisibility could be quite traumatic. I would end up just sitting in the corner listening to what my friends really think of me which would inevitably lead to frenzied comfort snacking, obesity and eventually cancer.
“I suppose I could scare them with a few flying vases but they’d soon work out what was going on. But even then I’d still be too self-absorbed to leave.
“I may as well just squat inside a cardboard box while my friends all call me a fat cow with a drinking problem who can’t choose a decent pair of boots.”
