Put A Bible Over Your Penis, Says Pope
POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.
Speaking before his tour of Africa, the Pontiff said Aids could only be tackled by the 'traditional teaching of the church' and not a latex rubber sheath that contains infected semen and prevents it from transferring the virus to another human being.
Experts said that either the Pope is suggesting the bible is used like a condom, or he doesn't know what a condom is.
Dr Emma Bradford, of Reading University, said: "I guess you would have to rip out a few pages of Leviticus and then somehow fashion them into a condom-like device using lots and lots of masking tape.
"Or you could shred the pages, soak them in water and construct something that looks a bit like a paper maché cigar tube."
Dr Bradford added: "It has to be one of those two because suggesting that the African Aids epidemic can be contained simply by reading the bible would be criminally insane."
Since his inauguration in 2005 the Pope has continued the Church's strong opposition to condoms by calling for abstinence, supervised heavy petting and whacking it repeatedly with a wooden spoon until it goes all soft again.
Meanwhile the Vatican has issued this year's list of approved non-penetrative carnal techniques including pearl necklaces, light genital branding and something called 'Dutch steamboating'.