Rosé banned for the next seven months


THE comsumption of rosé has been banned for the next seven months, pending a review at Easter.

You are not actually abroad

You are not actually abroad

Genuine connoisseurs of the wine will still be allowed to drink it as long as they apply for a special license, pass a grape trivia test and conceal the beverage with brown paper packaging.

The ruling is being enforced after this summer’s soaring temperatures saw a 400 per cent increase in the number of middle class women who loudly compared the UK to Tuscany before being sick into a bin.

Public health officer Tom Logan said: “The chemical composition of rosé automatically makes it a bit common as soon as August is over.

“In the summer, an executive with the pink stuff all over his TM Lewin cuffs looks dashing and urbane. When he’s still in that state come September, he looks like he’s en route to Mallorca.”

He added “Sometimes people in a certain income bracket need to be protected from themselves. You know what I mean.”

Mother-of-four Francesca Johnson said “It’s  absolutely right that the government are doing this. Autumn is time to stop having fun, button up our cardigans and be utterly miserable until Christmas.

“If my husband hadn’t been forced to get off the Pinot blush, he wouldn’t have any interest in showing up at Goldman Sachs. He’d still be singing Get Lucky all day long while wearing the neoprene Morph onesie he got for Secret Garden Party.”

“I’ve already replaced my lunchtime drink with a nice white burgundy. If you put a drop of kir in, you’d swear it was Blossom Hill.”

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