Scientists discover the risible excuse gene
RESEARCHERS have isolated the strand of DNA responsible for people denying responsibility for anything.
Taking samples from front-bench MPs, former England football managers and volunteer middle-aged recently-divorced pub bores, the genetic mutation seems to have developed as a defence mechanism in cavemen to stop them having to hunt mammoths because of their bad back.
Scientists are now trying to work out whether this was actually how the gene developed or whether it is just another manifestation of its own buck-passing function.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said; “When looked at through the electron microscope, the double helix seems to spell out the words ‘nothing to do with me, squire’ in protein strands.
“As well as being a major scientific breakthrough, my indolent friends over in the philosophy department, many of whom tested positive for the gene, are excited because it presents the first physical, living paradox in the shape of a gene sequence that denies responsibility for anything, even its own existence.”
Dole offices and police custody units have already expressed an interest in purchasing testing kits for the gene and hospitals will soon be able to inform prospective parents of the likelihood they will spawn a lying little shit who never owns up to anything.
Brubaker said:”In the short term it’s going to cause a lot of problems as every bone-idle arsehole in the country is going to produce a doctor’s letter every time they fuck their life and by extension yours.
“But as the gene is recessive, we’re hoping that planned parenthood will breed it out within fifty years. A bit like ginger hair.”