Smokers Forced To Wear Their Lungs As A Hat
SMOKERS are to be forced to walk around wearing their lungs on their head, under tough new government rules.
The lung-hat will be connected to the smokers via a series of tubes shoved directly into their nostrils.
As the lungs will cover the ears, holes will be drilled so the smokers are still able to hear the criticism of their friends and colleagues.
And once a month council officials will strap smokers to a chair, pluck the beating heart from their chest and shove it in their face shouting: "WELL!!? HAPPY!!?"
Public health minister Dawn Primarolo said: "Not only do I want smokers to come face to face with their own lungs, I want everyone else, especially children, to point at them and scream.
"Who in their right mind will want sit next to a smoker and his wheezing, unsightly flesh-helmet?"
She added: "Young smokers may think it's clever to walk around parading their fresh, pink lungs at a jaunty angle, but it won't be long before they look like a giant, disgusting fly. Just like Jeff Goldblum in that film."
Bill McKay, a smoker from Harrogate, said: "This is actually very useful. I had no idea the smoke was going into my lungs. I thought it went straight out my back passage like an exhaust pipe."