SMOKERS URGE GATES TO PRODUCE SOFTWARE THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS

SMOKERS have urged Bill Gates to produce a range of software that doesn't have them reaching for a cigarette every time it crashes.

'Fuck this shit, I'm off for a tab'

Microsoft founder Gates has teamed up with fellow multi-billionaire Michael Bloomberg in a $500 million worldwide initiative to tell everyone what to do.

But smokers have stressed it would be easier for them to follow their orders if Microsoft's operating systems, browsers and office applications were not such complete piles of shit.

Emily Reeves, an accountant from Bristol, said: "I have been trying to cut down recently, but I find that when I get to work, my computer is absolutely determined to make me love cigarettes.

"It has this knack of channelling stress directly into my brain until there is a vast choir singing 'have a ciggie' to the tune of 'Hallelujah' from Handel's Messiah."

She added: "If it's not freezing, crashing or asking me question after question after question, it's updating the bastarding software every thirty fucking seconds.

"Stop it. Just. Fucking. Stop it. You evil, cock-sucking, son of a bitch, piece of SHIT!

"I think it might be time for fag break."

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