'Truffle Shuffle' To Be Renamed 'Dance Of Death'
LOCAL councils are to rebrand the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ as the ‘Dance of Death’, as part of new plans to reduce the size of Britain’s children.
Experts believe children will respond better to the word ‘death’ than ‘shuffle’ and be much less likely to use it as an excuse to push sweets, crisps and soft drinks into their little beaky mouths.
The ‘Truffle Shuffle’ first appeared in the 1985 hit film The Goonies when the character Chunk stood on a tree stump, lifted up his shirt and jiggled his belly whilst grimacing and making weird noises as though he had been attached to the mains.
In recent years the ‘shuffle’ has become hugely popular in schools with hefty children making effective use of the dance to gain social acceptance in the playground.
Sean Cooper, an economy-sized 12 year-old from Doncaster, said: “It means I can snack on the good shit as much as I want because the fatter I get the better the shuffle.
“PE is just standing around listening to a bloke who wishes he’d gone into marketing drone on about vaulting safely. As if I am going to vault something. Shuffling is pretty much the only exercise I get.”
Despite many children dying mid-shuffle due to heart failure, it has spawned a series of copycat dance routines including the ‘Chubby Chicken’, the ‘Angel Delight’ and the ‘Anne Widdecombe’.
Somerset County Council member Helen Archer, said: “We have made an advert where a porky little cake muncher is doing the Truffle Shuffle to amuse a crowd when he’s supposed to be goal keeping.
“The opposing team takes the opportunity to score, so his teammates run over to give him a beating. During the chase his little heart packs in and he dies. It’s quite moving.
“But the really good thing was we got Coca-Cola to sponsor it. They really do know how to have their cake and eat it. Just like the fat children.”
Sean Cooper added: “Doing the Truffle Shuffle is a badge of honour, but the Dance of Death sounds even cooler. Maybe when I do it now I’ll summon up a demon, which could be good or bad depending on whether it wants any of my crisps.”