AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.
Online retailers have reported high demand for their utterly useless anti-pork flu kits, consisting of a flimsy surgical mask, some Kendal mintcake, a James Blunt CD, a novelty keyring and a cyanide pill.
Stephen Malley, a trainee accountant from Finsbury Park, said: "I think it's going to be this guy in my office called Geoff. He rides a bicycle to work and eats bananas at his desk. He's a prick."
Emma Bradford, a marketing assistant from Hatfield, said: "My friend Janet is pathetically melodramatic. She wore one during the foot and mouth outbreak in 2001 because she said it really accentuated her eyelashes."
And Roy Hobbs, a retired architect from Stevenage, said: "My wife's friends are all idiots, but I have a feeling it might turn out to be Harriet Harman, just because she's such an arsehole."
Experts warned that despite their uselessness, many arseholes will be tempted to walk around wearing facemasks and thinking they are in a film based on a Michael Crichton novel.
Dr Tom Booker, from Reading University, said: "Of course they're wearing them in Mexico. If I was in Mexico I'd be wearing one regardless. You can almost smell the fucking place from here."
He added: "If you've got the cash – and the back muscles – you could try walking around in a scuba suit, with a couple of oxygen tanks strapped to your shoulders.
"But really, the best way to stop pork flu is to get it, takes some pills and watch the telly until you don't have it anymore."
