Women Blame Nightmares On Rectal Gas

SLEEPING next to 18 stone of relentlessly guffing middle-aged water buffalo can cause nightmares, research suggests.

'I think I better go for a shit'

Researchers in Germany made 100 women sleep in a bed of rose petals while a young man in tight underpants rubbed lavender oil into their thighs. All of them woke feeling relaxed and pleasantly moist.

However, when the women returned to bed with their partners they all reported severe night terrors that involved wrestling with a giant fleshy trombone.

Tracey Hayes, from Ashford, said: "I dreamt I was in a great long corridor, it was all white and every door was locked, and I was being chased by an enormous, stinking arse."

Emma Cook, from Derby, said: "I dreamt I was falling until the ground suddenly rushed up towards me. But it wasn't the ground, it was a huge, stinking arse."

Laura Peters, from Edinburgh, added: "I was running for my life through a dark forest being hunted by thousands of big, hairy, stinking arses – with legs."

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Men are genetically programmed to release gas in bed because doing so gave their pre-historic ancestors an evolutionary advantage.

"The sound frightened off predators and rival males, while the smell stimulated females so they were aroused and ready for sex, as it still does today."