Women To Force Hat-Stand Into Anus Of Male Midwife

THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.

It weighs eight pounds, three ounces

Dr Denis Walsh will be dragged from his office and taken to a paddling pool in the car park where three strong women will hold him down while another two take a seven-foot, solid pine hat-stand with six large curved coat hooks and put it in him.

Emma Bradford, a pregnant lady from Peterborough, said: "No painkillers, no epidurals, we want him to be able to bond with the hat-stand.

"And of course there are potential health risks if you use painkillers while a hefty, awkwardly-shaped piece of hall furniture is shoved as far up your lower intestine as we can get it.

"The pain of hat-stand insertion is a beautiful, natural thing, but if he's worried then perhaps he could try hypnotising himself into thinking that none of this is happening while we use the hat-stand to convince him that it is."

She added: "We've set up the paddling pool, or 'hat-standing pool' so that he can see for himself exactly how much difference that will make."

Jill McKay, from Doncaster, said: "If he needs something to take his mind off the searing pain in his anus I'd be more than happy to take a pair of pliers to his testicles."

Dr Walsh said: "I take it all back. It was obviously a joke. Look, I've not been well. Get your hands off me. For Christ's sake someone call security.