From the vaults

• EVERYONE TO BE FITTED WITH A ZIP
• MI5 CHIEF INCREDIBLY BALD
• THAT SHREW IS SO FUCKING HAMMERED, SAY ZOOLOGISTS
• WONKA FACTORY 'FULL OF RATS'
• Weekending: The Housing Market

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• TEENAGE BOYS TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO STOP YANKING AT IT FOR FIVE MINUTES

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