Berlusconi gets tough as S&P cuts fanny rating

SILVIO Berlusconi has pledged tough action after Standard and Poor’s downgraded Italy’s triple-A fanny rating.

Signor Berlusconi begins two weeks of groinal austerity

Italy has been under pressure in recent weeks after some of its most attractive women saw their long term yields rise to unsustainable levels as it emerged they had sex with the country’s dirty little prime minister.

Now the billionaire politician has vowed to keep his filthy hands off them for about a fortnight.

Julian Cook,  chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “In the past Italy has been able to attract foreign investment because of all those amazing birds you see everywhere. Seriously, have you ever been to Milan? It’s like ‘fuckin’ hell, man’.

“Anyway, it now seems that a great many of them attended bunga-bunga parties and are now classed as junk totty. Or as they say in Italy ‘junk totti’.

“This does not mean Italy has turned into Greece, with lots of 120 year-old women in black headscarves, repairing fishing nets.

“It still has loads of absolute crackers. Seriously, spend a weekend at Lake Como. Sweet Jesus Christ almighty. That George Clooney’s a total bastard.

“Anyway, the market now believes there is a higher risk that these normally triple-A rated stunners may have been soiled by some grubby, brylcreemed pensioner.”

Meanwhile, Cook stressed that Britain would remain a low risk ‘safe haven’ as long as it continued to produce sturdy, reliable women like Gillian Taylforth.