But I was wearing tights, says violent criminal

12-10-11

US vigilante Phoenix Jones has had his costume-based appeal for leniency rejected.

And yet, still not as ridiculous as Batman

The Seattle-born superhero was arrested for beating up several members of the public while playing extremely cool dance-rock crossover music from a set of speakers he had installed nearby.

Witnesses also reported hearing him shout what appeared to be a series of carefully-rehearsed one-liners as he committed his multiple assaults.

Local police chief, Roy Hobbs, said: “The fact he’s managed to assemble a spangly costume and cape doesn’t make him above the law, as was illustrated in the 70s following the arrest of countless Funkateers.

“Bootsy Collins may be ‘the man who put bass in your face’, but that doesn’t make him a super-hero crime-fighter.”

Seattle police have urged locals that if they witness a crime, telephoning a vast network of trained investigators and enforcement officers is the best way of ensuring it is dealt with, rather than relying on Jones’ method of hero-summons, which involves setting off some fireworks while banging two bin lids together.

Jones first came to police attention after his intervention in a dispute over licensing hours between two restaurants caused him to be hospitalised when he slipped two discs trying to hurl a pizzeria into the sun.

It is unknown what prompted the spate of one-man justice but neighbours near the bedsit where Jones lives during the day with pet terrier Captain Lone Wolf, said the combination of divorce and redundancy may have something to do with it.

Hobbs added: “This is why I won’t sit through Batman films. It’s all very well blowing up half a building to save some bird you’re trying to hump, but I end up doing all the fucking paperwork.”

 

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