Can't You All Just Settle This Over A Nice Plate Of Dog? World Asks Korea
NORTH and South Korea have been urged to settle their differences over a big plate of dog chops.
As North Korea fired shells at the South, terrified people around the world urged the two nations to remember their shared love of freshly killed pet.
Ban Ki Moon, the South Korean general secretary of the United Nations, offered to roast a pair of Dobermans with honey and sage and then follow it up with his special Pekinese ice cream with grated Beagle.
The UN chief said he would invite the leaders of both countries to his dog banquet as the first stage in securing a peace agreement, but warned that it could take a while what with the leader of North Korea being completely and utterly out of his fucking mind.
He said: “Now some of you may be wondering why America invaded Iraq when there was a total psychopath who was killing thousands of his own people and being completely open about the fact that he was trying to make an atom bomb – thus leaving us with a situation that could go nuclear at the drop of a dog-skin hat.
“There’s no point in asking me. Do I look like Tony Blair or his monkey friend? Would you like to try some Husky?”
However, Mr Ban also acknowledged the irony that the world could be engulfed in fiery nuclear death when a Korean was in charge of the UN, adding: “Fuck, I’m shit at this.”
Meanwhile the dog-based peace move was vehemently opposed by dogs.
Nathan Muir, a four year-old English springer spaniel from Grantham, said: “Why do you care about any of these people? To paraphrase Captain James Tiberius Kirk, ‘don’t trust them – let them die‘.”
He added: “You’ll notice there’s no such thing as a Korean springer spaniel. D’you know why? Because we’re fucking delicious that’s why.
“But at least you people have the decency to kill us when you think we’re too old.”
How the world lines up if it all kicks off:
CHINA – Will probably stick up for North Korea. Why do you think they try this shit in the first place?
UNITED STATES – US soldiers will be desperate to fight for a country full of horny Asian girls in mini-skirts.
BRITAIN – Korea was probably part of the British Empire at some point, so we will be duty bound to help America commit savage war crimes.
GERMANY – God knows, but lets hope it’s on our side.
ITALY – God knows, but let’s hope it’s on their side.
BRAZIL – We’re not sure if Brazil has an army, but if it does, it’s probably gay.
INDIA – Will favour the South due to the North’s competing inexplicable space programme.
JAPAN – The Japanese have long coveted North Korea as a place to stack their rubbish.
FRANCE – Don’t seem to be answering their phone at the moment. How odd.