Go now, dog-faced Stargate aliens tell Mubarak
HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.
The warning came as the Egyptian leader insisted he would stay in office until September as he still has six months left on his presidential O2 iPhone contract and he was not about to pay £24.99 a month for something he couldn’t even use.
But Mubarak’s defiance was met with a stark warning from Ra, the transgender alien superbeing who built the pyramids but accidentally left behind a large circular stone gateway that could yet prove to be his or her undoing.
In a message beamed simultaneously through the Stargate and Twitter, Ra said: “You have displeased me son of Osiris. Make way for a new son of Ra. Or the army. Or some other corrupt, tinpot Pharaoh. Or maybe even those crazy Muslim guys. Whatever.”
Ra said that if Mubarak did not resign by Saturday 50 million inter-galactic soldiers wearing scary metal dog heads would storm through the Stargate and start fucking things up in scenes that would make Roland Emmerich look like Woody Allen.
A massive spaceship shaped like a pyramid would then land on top of a pyramid, crushing it like a paper cup, before Ra himself steps forth in all her majesty and starts firing deadly lasers from his white-hot eyes.
Sources close to the god-like extra terrestrial say she is furious at being distracted by events in Egypt as he wants to devote more time to Stargate Atlantis and that new one with the nutter from Trainspotting.
But Mubarak dismissed the threats in a televised address and explained how he had signed up for a new phone contract without realising it was 18 months instead of 12.
He added: “Unfortunately these contracts are not transferable. I can’t just give the phone to Omar Suleiman. He will have to get his own phone. And what’s the point of paying two lots of £24.99 when I could just hang on until September?
“I spoke to the girl at Carphone Warehouse and she said there was no way round it. Ra or no Ra.”