Herman Van Rompuy Is Anagram Of Roman Vampyre Hun
THE new president of the European Union is a Catholic German vampire who craves the blood of your children, experts warned last night.
As the unelected leaders of Europe chose the unelected Belgian prime minister to be your unelected president, vampirologists revealed Herman Van Rompuy's true identity as a 486 year-old blood-sucking monster of the night.
Peter Hitchens, senior vampire correspondent at the Mail on Sunday, said: "Herman van Rompuy was born 'Gert Himmelmann' in Wiesbaden in 1523.
"At the age of 21 he went hunting in the mountains where he was bitten by a giant Roman Catholic bat. At that very moment he became Nosferatu, Lord of the Undead, though he decided to change it to Herman Van Rompuy as Nosferatu was a bit of a giveaway."
Hitchens added: "For nearly 500 years he has held powerful positions in finance, politics and the military enabling him to start a series of wars, help both Hitler and Stalin into power and engineer countless recessions, plagues and famines. He also invented the Eurovision Song Contest.
"All the while he has been subtly and cunningly manipulating European politics so that one day he would ascend to his throne of blood and begin the evil process of telling you how safe your car should be."
Experts say Roman Vampyre Hun will be unstoppable now he has the help of the European foreign secretary Baroness Ashton, an anagram of 'No Ass Horn Beast', who, according to ancient legend, is Nosferatu's evil henchman.
Hitchens said: "And yeah, Van Rompuy and the Beast With Horns But No Bottom shall hold dominion over the all nations and make them have lots of rules about fruit.
"You shall not take my blood, Belgian fiend!"