the dailymash

As McDonalds closed its Reykjavik restaurant, the tiny Scandinavian country has urged the United Nations to send emergency supplies of reconstituted bull's anus and thick, spongey baps until it can attract a new franchise.

Ingvar Edvaldson, Iceland's secretary of state for vomit, warned: "This is now a crisis. I have dozens of men sitting idle when they should be out there in their bio-hazard suits pushing great heaps of regurgitated mince into the nearest storm drain."

Thors Gudmundsson, Iceland's leading food critic, added: "Traditionally, Icelandic culture frowns upon non-cancerous colons so we really need something that will have us all shitting blood within a fortnight before our livers pack up and we get that lovely, fuzzy, diabetes-induced blindness.

"And it would help if the cheese slices could also be used in the construction industry or for wiping down the walls of the Keflavik whale-gutting factory."

Meanwhile Icelandic parents are concerned that the Disney Corporation will no longer be able to bribe them into stuffing lumpy handfuls of greyish-brown fat into their children's faces.

Johanna Hermannsdottir, a mother of two from Arborg, said: "My children desperately need a small, plastic, Chinese-made representation of a singing cartoon fish to accompany their McChrist's-sake-don't-ask-what's-in-it fluffy, chocolate-style object."

She added: "My children are almost too old to fall for this anymore. I may never hear them laugh and gag at the same time ever again."