I’m No Hero, Says Tiny Jellyfish

THE tiny jellyfish who stung Ben Southall last night insisted he was only doing what anyone would have done in the same circumstances.

Julian's dream is to sting Piers Morgan right in the testicles

Julian Cook, an Irukandji jellyfish from the Great Barrier Reef, encountered the professional git when the two were swimming off the coast of the paradise island Southall is paid £84,000 to prance around on thinking he's better than you.

Cook said: "I was floating over to another bit of the sea – just for a change of scenery – when I saw this man swimming towards me.

"I thought he looked vaguely familiar and sure enough, when he was about six feet away I realised it was that bastard Ben Southall. So I stung him. It was great.

"Generally speaking, I'm not one of those jellyfish that gets involved in anything too confrontational, but when you see Ben Southall's insufferable grin floating towards you, your instincts just kick in."

He added: "Me? Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm not a bee."

Mr Southall said: "It didn't hurt at the time, though I'm pretty sure I heard this tiny, high-pitched voice calling me a 'smug prick'."

He added: "Actually, come to think of it, ever since I arrived here I've noticed that quite a lot of the flora and fauna have been trying to kill me.

"I woke up one night to find a frog with its little hands around my throat and I can't walk under a palm tree without being bomarbded with large, heavy coconuts.

"I've checked and there were no animals in the trees and it wasn't windy, so I can only assume that palm trees are in fact prone to bouts of small-minded, violent jealousy."

Roy Hobbs, a 62ft palm tree, added: "Yes I've lived here all my life but no-one's offered me eighty-four grand to ride a fucking jet ski. He's an arse."