Iran Should Tire Of Yachtsmen Fairly Quickly, Say Experts
IRAN will soon find the five British yachtsmen they have captured quite unbearable, experts predicted last night.
Middle East analysts said the sailors, who strayed into Iranian waters while on some pointless jaunt from one gin and tonic to the next, should be free within days after it emerged that at least two of them are named 'Ollie'.
Martin Bishop, of Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Have you ever been in the same room as a yachtsmen for more than 20 minutes? I am stunned that they haven't been paid to leave.
"I suspect by now they'll have made some comment about how 'the galley is not up to snuff' before fashioning makeshift pillows out of their ghastly, over-priced Tommy Hilfiger jumpers.
"Then, just when their guards want to talk about films or music, they'll start telling these interminable stories about 60ft waves off the Hebrides and the time they somehow limped back into Plymouth with a badly shattered aft-basket and a sail made from toast.
"It'll be like, 'I looked up and there was Ollie dangling off the spinaker by his goolies, but he still managed to polish off his G&T without spilling a drop'.
"'And while all this was happening Ollie and Ollie grabbed the mizzen fore-shaft and tied the tightest pair of bullscocks you've ever seen in your life'."
Iran have so far refused to confirm the existence of the yachtsmen but insisted that any foreigners in their custody will be used for the peaceful manufacture of electricity.
Meanwhile, at the United Nations in New York, more than 40 countries have now signed a motion asking Iran if they could just stop being such total dicks for five minutes.