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Iran Signs Four-Year Deal With Disney

IRAN has abandoned theocracy and signed a four year deal with Disney after two hours of talks with the US Government yesterday. 

In a goodwill gesture designed to cement relations with the entertainment giant, Iran's President  has agreed to change his name to Mahmood Ahmedisneyjad.

Hassem Kazami, Iran’s chief negotiator, said: "We had some anger issues about the West and ourselves that we needed to deal with before we could grow as people and a nation.

"We were always flying into rages about silly little things and repressing each other. That was just so not the place where we needed to be right now in our lives."

He added: "The Americans explained that their version of secular democracy meant slightly less flag burning, stoning and firing guns in the air, which, to be honest, does get a bit samey.

"Then they told us about TK Maxx, Ben and Jerry's, Grey's Anatomy and someone called Kirsten Dunst. Nice. Where do we sign?"

Jackson P. Emmit, Disney’s Vice-President for Iran, said early projects would include a "Pirates of the Straits of Hormuz" theme park and Blindfold This! a musical comedy based on the 1979 hostage crisis, starring Queen Latifa and Matthew Broderick.

US envoy Ryan Croker said: "As usual, we tested our arguments with the elders of the Free Church of Scotland. Obviously we got nowhere with them but of course the Iranians are much less extreme."

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Absolutely Everything Can Kill You, Warns Department Of Health

EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.

From next April all things will undergo a government risk assessment and then be labeled according to the most likely catastrophe.

The move comes after a series of successful pilot schemes, including toasted sandwich makers, urban foxes and World War II grenades.

The recent move to label alcohol bottles with the warning: "This bottle is full of alcohol" was also judged to be an enormous success.

Public health minister Caroline Flint said: "This announcement follows an extensive public consultation exercise.

"More than 1400 people managed to seriously injure themselves with the consultation document. It should have carried a warning label." 

She added: "This is not about the government trying to nanny people.

"We simply want to tie their shoelaces, tidy their hair, ensure they have a good breakfast and then threaten them with a £60 fine unless they brush their teeth."

 
OTHER WARNINGS WILL INCLUDE: 

  • Goldfish "Do not eat 40 of these at once"

  • Milk cartons "Do not fill a basin full of milk and then stick your head in it for 10 minutes"

  • Hardback books "Do not attach a chinstrap and use as a helmet"

  • Helmets "Do not use for carrying hot soup"
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