Iran To Rebrand Itself As Lovers’ Paradise

IRAN is hoping to attract thousands of Western tourists after rebranding itself as the ultimate destination for lovers.

Of course, if you do actually hold hands they'll be lopped off with a dirty great sword

The Tehran government wants to make the country a by-word for romantic getaways where couples can enjoy spectacular, golden sunsets, long walks on the beach and relax in the knowledge that there is now just a 60-40 chance of one of them being stoned to death.

The Department of Internal Security and Tourism has drawn up a series of advertising campaigns with slogans including ‘Take the woman you own somewhere special’ and ‘Iran – We probably won’t kill your wife’.

According to a leaflet, to be distributed in this week’s Mail on Sunday:

“From the moment you undergo your first interrogation at the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini International Airport you will find yourself in a lovers’ paradise where you can both rediscover why you forced her to marry you in the first place.

“Let her walk eight paces behind you, before treating her to an incredibly hot and uncomfortable new dress from one of Tehran’s four shops.

“Feel free to explore our beautiful landscape, but if we suddenly decide that you are Western spies you can enjoy a romantic breakfast on the terrace and spoil yourself with a choice of either dry, unleavened toast or finest Iranian tap water before being re-chained to your own personal radiator.

“And if you happen to accidentally drive within 30 miles of one of our experimental nuclear power stations you can rest assured that you will both be tortured in the same dungeon (subject to availablity).

“Meanwhile, if you do end up getting stoned to death, we’ll tell all your friends and relatives it was for a wonderfully romantic reason.”

Nathan Muir, tourism analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin said: “This is a smart move by Iran. With some clever, well-positioned marketing and the right kind of ad campaign, people will quickly forget that it’s an utter fucking hellhole run by bastard lunatics.”