Knox to be trained in how not to look shifty

04-10-11

AMANDA Knox will today begin an intensive training course in how not to look shifty, ever.

Knox will have her eyelids stapled and be taught how to stare straight ahead forever

As the American student won her appeal and flew home to Seattle, the media organisations she has not done a deal with pledged to catch her with either a knowing smile or a sinister sideways glance.

Up to 3,000 photographers will use telephoto lenses to record Knox’s every expression in the hope of capturing the crucial moment where she admits her guilt using at least one part of her face.

And the UK’s Daily Mail has appointed its emotionally fragile columnist Liz Jones to analyse the best new Amanda Knox photos on a daily basis and give them marks out of 10 for shiftiness.

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “Hopefully we are just a few years away from shifty photographs replacing all this half-arsed dicking about with DNA.”

But the Knox family said they will use the money from the book, film, TV interviews, iPhone app and saucy action figure to train the 24 year-old in how to look perpetually innocent.

A family spokesman said: “It’s going to be difficult. At times even Mother Theresa could look as if she’d just stolen a pie. We’ll get there, though there may be days when she has to walk around wearing a motorbike helmet.”

But Knox could still be dragged back to Italy after prosecutors pledged to launch an appeal against the acquittal based on one of the photographs where she looks like an evil, sexy witch.

A source said: “It’s a lot stronger than our first case, so we are reasonably confident.”

Meanwhile, the media organisations Knox has done a deal with have confirmed they are very close to convincing her to straddle a chair.

 

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