New Book Confirms Pope John Paul II Must Have Wanked A Lot
POPE John Paul II must have spent a huge amount of time masturbating in his bedroom, according to a new book.
The Pope's Dirty Wardrobe by Monsignor Giusseppe Gianni reveals for the first time how the Pontiff could be heard flagellating himself with a belt, usually around 10pm just after he had watched TJ Hooker starring Heather Locklear.
The book has been published to make the case for the canonisation of John Paul II as well as to remind everyone just how weird and freaky catholicism really is.
Gianni writes: "We could not hear the actual wanking, but we could hear him hitting himself very hard with a big leather belt.
"Now, unless he did something horrible during the war that he never told anyone about, why was the Holy Father punishing himself with such ferocity?
"I and his other close advisers were able to rule out a variety of sins including adultery – he's the Pope for Christ's sake – embezzlement, tax avoidance and speeding.
"Eventually we were left with no other conclusion – he must have been having a sneaky wank and then atoning like his life depended on it.
"And it's not as if he could confess it. Priests are sworn to confidentiality but if the Pope sits down in your booth and admits to relieving his urges on a twice daily basis, I don't care what you say, you are going to tell someone."
Gianni said mystery still surrounds the subject of the Pope's masturbatory fantasies, adding: "A lot of people just assume it was Heather Locklear or even Sophia Loren, but my money has always been on Daryl Hannah.
"He had a life-long obsession with mermaids."