Obama Confuses Afghanistan With Country That's Not Insane
PRESIDENT Obama last night unveiled plans to send an extra 30,000 troops to Afghanistan after confusing it with a country that is not completely insane.
Mr Obama insisted the troop surge would eliminate Al-Qaeda, contain the Taleban and help Afghanistan achieve stability during a speech that, according to some analysts, suggests he may be insane too.
Roy Hobbs, professor of Afghan history at Reading University, said: "Mr Obama seems to think Afghanistan is a place where people will, if given the choice, behave normally. That would suggest some sort of chemical imbalance in his brain.
"What Afghanistan actually is, is a place where 50,000 different tribes all want to kill each other all the time and then feast on each other's testicles while killing anyone who gets in the way of their unquenchable desire to kill.
"Anyone left alive at the end of this process has to live in a mud hut eating their own shit and will be stoned to death for humming.
"Many people have asked why they do this and the answer always comes back the same – they're out of their fucking minds."
Professor Hobbs added: "Having devoted my career to studying Afghanistan, I am now absolutely certain we should construct a 50ft high wall around the place, wait until everyone's dead and then build some really nice, upmarket golf courses."
Omar Kalifi, a Taleban fighter in Helmand province, welcomed Mr Obama's announcement, adding, 'ALLAH! ALLAH! ALLAH! ALLAH' before sawing his own head off with a penknife.
His colleague, Mohammed Akra, picked up Mr Kalifi's severed head, attached a leather strap to it and is now wearing it as a hat.