the dailymash

The jobs plan is a coded attack on middle-class bacon

As Obama outlined tax breaks and investment to boost the ailing US economy and give the rest of the world a chance to just end this grimness for Christ’s sake, the Republican party said he may as well have called it ‘Muhammed al-Job’s Ramadan Bomb Factory’.

Louisiana congressman Jeff Landry, said: “If I backed this plan I would be flying a plane into the living room of every hard working American family.”

“I may as well strap on 18 sticks of dynamite and blow myself up right next to a middle class bread winner who is sick of the president and his political games.”

John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives said: “I want to thank the president for coming here today and setting out his plans so clearly. I am sure we can find common ground but at this stage I am wondering  why didn’t he just sing this announcement from the top of a minaret? In Tehran.”

Joe Wilson, a Teapot congressman from South Carolina, said:  “As I read through this jobs plan I noticed certain letters on the page seemed to glowing red. Sure enough when these letters floated up off the paper and rearranged themselves about six inches from my face they spelled out ‘death to America’.”

Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman added: “This jobs plans contains nothing to help the American alcohol industry, the American pork industry or the American short skirt industry. And even though it does, secretly, it doesn’t.”

But Republican frontrunner, the Texas governor Rick Perry, disagreed, adding :”I don’t think this jobs plan is Muslim. I think it’s atheist. Say what you like about dangerous, fundamentalist Muslims but at least they largely believe the same things as I do.”

A White House spokesman later confirmed that if Republicans block the jobs plan Obama is incredibly close to just saying ‘fuck this’.