International

US celebrates victory over aliens

THE USA is paying tribute to Will Smith and the heroes who fought back the alien invasion of 1996.

Dolphin pimps having another great year

FLORIDA’S dolphin-pimping businesses are enjoying a record-breaking summer.

Blair applies to be Caliph

FORMER prime minister Tony Blair has submitted his CV to the newly-declared Islamic Caliphate in the Middle East.

Primark issues hand-stitched denial of poor working conditions

PRIMARK has denied its clothes are made in sweatshops in a statement sewn in sequins on a cardigan made in Bangladesh.

Zuckerberg dies turning Facebook back on

MARK Zuckerberg has sacrificed himself to make Facebook work again.

Salmond accuses JK Rowling of sorcery

SCOTTISH National Party leader Alex Salmond has accused JK Rowling of casting demonic mind-spells.

Still another 100 days until end of dreary Scottish argument

THE utterly hellish argument about what happens to Scotland still has another 100 days to go, it has been confirmed.

China commemorates 25 years since nothing happened

THE People's Republic of China has marked the 25th anniversary of everyone having a pleasant, uneventful day out in Tiananmen Square.