ECUADOR last night took a major step forward in its plan to breed pasty-faced nerds in captivity.
PROTESTORS in Turkey have threatened to utilise drunk Britons against government forces.
THE US National Security Agency has revealed it created the internet after realising it would make spying a much easier job.
NELSON Mandela and Prince Philip have sent each other 'get well' messages dripping with poisonous sarcasm.
THE wedding of Napster founder Sean Parker ended with numerous fatalities after guests misunderstood its Game of Thrones theme.
THE monkey found in Ikea has issued a heartfelt plea not to be sent back there.
SYRIA'S rebels need a camping stove, some cutlery and a good, solid frying pan, David Cameron has confirmed.