International

UN deadlocked over Arab-killing rights

THE United Nations Security Council remains deadlocked over which countries are allowed to exterminate Arab civilians.

William to appease Argentina with Nazi uniform

PRINCE William is to ease the growing tension with Argentina by borrowing his brother's SS uniform.

Saudi women banned from self-service check-outs

SAUDI women have been banned from using supermarket self check-outs amid fears the female voiced systems could lead to homosexuality and the extinction of virgins.

Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks

PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.

Italian cruise captain rode moped and pinched arses on sinking ship

THE captain of the Costa Concordia abandoned his post to buzz around the deck on a Vespa sexually harassing female passengers, it has emerged.

Cameron attacks Argentina's half-arsed colonialism

DAVID Cameron has offered to show Argentina how to swagger around in someone else's country properly.

'Oh no! It's the Daily Telegraph!' says Scotland

SCOTLAND was last night fleeing in terror after a surprise attack from the first battalion of Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph.

Taliban totally fine with whole pissing on corpses thing

AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night.