International

Assange to be tempted from embassy with trail of secrets

POLICE will attempt to lure Julian Assange from the Ecuadorian embassy using a 'trail of secrets' which the Wikileaks founder should find irresistible.

Wales launches endearing bid for Commonwealth Games

PLUCKY Wales is bidding for the 2026 Commonwealth Games, which lots of people think are just as good as the Olympics.

Pussy Riot 'could be forced to advertise butter'

SUPPORTERS of the arrested Russian punks Pussy Riot have warned that the band may be forced to promote dairy products.

'Bookish' Australians indifferent to Olympics success

AUSTRALIA'S woeful medal tally is explained by its residents' disdain for any activity that emphasises the physical over the mental, it has been claimed.

Earth hails successful Mars invasion

ALL the major Martian cities have been successfully destroyed.

Time stops in Syria

ALL clocks and timepieces stopped across Syria on July 15 at 18:07 local time, it has emerged.

Britain pins gold medal hopes on relaunch of empire

SEBASTIAN Coe has urged the government to start annexing small defenceless countries to boost Team GB’s medal hopes.

North Korea laughs off wrong flag gaffe

NORTH Korea has laughed off the mix-up which saw the South Korean flag accompany their women’s football team’s arrival at Glasgow’s Hampden Stadium.