International
US Teenager To Climb Everest For Crafty Ham Shank
AN American teenager has announced plans to scale Mount Everest so he can finally masturbate in peace.
Vatican 'Really Didn't Know About The Holocaust'
THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.
Bush Plea To Cameron Diaz Over 'Onionists'
FORMER US president George W Bush has urged Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz to help secure the support of 'onionists' for the devolution of policing powers in Northern Ireland.
Zuma To Buy Cheryl Cole
SOUTH African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.
Blair Backs Gaddafi On Swiss Genocide
TONY Blair has backed Colonel Gaddafi's call for the annihilation of everyone in Switzerland.
UK Businessman Wanted Over Death Of Billionaire Megalomaniac
A BRITISH businessman has been named as the prime suspect in the death of a billionaire intent on taking over the world.
Iran Full Of Nutters, Says Clinton
HILLARY Clinton opened a new chapter in the West's diplomatic relations with Iran yesterday by describing the country as 600,000 square miles of sand-infested whackjobs.
Taliban To Be Wooed With Property Makeovers
NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.