International
I'm No Hero, Says Tiny Jellyfish
THE tiny jellyfish who stung Ben Southall last night insisted he was only doing what anyone would have done in the same circumstances.
Obama Confuses Afghanistan With Country That's Not Insane
PRESIDENT Obama last night unveiled plans to send an extra 30,000 troops to Afghanistan after confusing it with a country that is not completely insane.
Iran Should Tire Of Yachtsmen Fairly Quickly, Say Experts
IRAN will soon find the five British yachtsmen they have captured quite unbearable, experts predicted last night.
Fury As Americans Find Gay Kiss Oddly Arousing
A TELEVISED gay kiss has caused outrage across America after thousands of red-blooded men discovered the beginnings of a semi.
Coma Guy To Blackmail The Shit Out Of Hospital Staff
THE man who doctors believed was in a coma for 23 years is to start blackmailing the shit out of all the people who thought he couldn't hear them.
Herman Van Rompuy Is Anagram Of Roman Vampyre Hun
THE new president of the European Union is a Catholic German vampire who craves the blood of your children, experts warned last night.
Sarah Palin Doesn't Know What Radar Is
SARAH Palin could still stand for the US presidency in 2012 after it emerged she has no idea what radar is.
Sex With Obama 'Better Than Sex', Claims First Lady
SEXUAL intercourse with President Barack Obama is better than sex, his wife has revealed.