PRESIDENT Trump has spent his full hour with the prime minister discussing the crucial issue of underestimated crowd sizes at his inauguration last week.
DONALD Trump has nearly worn out the large fake red button that the CIA told him would set off nuclear weapons.
THE construction of a 2,000-mile long border wall that will ensure Mexico survives the total implosion of America begins today.
JULIAN Assange is to hand himself over to US officials after watching every film that doesn't feature Adam Sandler.
DONALD Trump has started his day by idly crossing off countries on a map of the world.
THE stars-and-stripes is switching colour scheme to orange, purple and white to match President Trump’s facial colouring.
DONALD Trump has confirmed that the next four years are going to be as fucked up as his campaign.
THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today.
- We will not think any less of you if you back out now, humanity tells Trump
- Shit-flinging gibbon to be crowned emperor
- Barack Obama is President of the United States
- Britons flown back from Gambia to their marginally more stable home country
- If you're being a tax haven we only really want London, say investors