International

Declassified JFK files reveal he’s fine

FILES on the President Kennedy assassination opened to the public for the first time today have revealed that he is alive and well in Kentucky.

Theresa May emails EU citizens with chores rota

THE prime minister has emailed 100,000 EU citizens in the UK telling them they can remain in our country if they pitch in with chores.

Britain secures trade deal with mysterious country no-one's heard of

TRADE secretary Liam Fox has negotiated a superb trade deal with the previously unknown country of Mungotania, he has claimed.

Notice I'm not flying to you, says Juncker

EU CHIEF Jean-Claude Juncker has highlighted that Theresa May is flying to Brussels to rescue Brexit talks, not the other way around.

EU prepares next lovely big shit sandwich

THE EU is ready to move on to the second of the excrement-based sandwiches it has prepared for the UK, it has emerged.

Trump state visit downgraded to top-and-tailing with Nigel Farage

PRESIDENT Trump’s visit to the UK has been downgraded from being an offical guest of the Queen to sharing a bed at Nigel Farage’s place, it has been confirmed.

David Davis to retire just before Brexit so he can move to the Algarve

BREXIT minister David Davis will retire before 2019 because he fancies buying himself a nice place in the sun.

Arm everyone with machine guns, say unspeakable bastards

EVERY American should be given an automatic weapon, according to the country’s bastard pieces of shit.