International

Libya facing civil war over how to kill Gaddafi

LIBYA was split down the middle last night over how Colonel Gaddafi should eventually be killed.

William Hague thinks you're in Venezuela

YOU are probably in Venezuela, foreign secretary William Hague has confirmed.

Call for Middle East protests to be about Cheryl Cole

THE wave of protest across the Middle East needs a unifying theme that any moron can understand, it was claimed last night.

Thank you for the lovely coup, army tells Egypt

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

Go now, dog-faced Stargate aliens tell Mubarak

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

New York smoking ban to halt fall in violent crime

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

Egyptian revolt delays mojito

THOUSANDS of panicked UK tourists in Egypt contacted the Foreign Office last night after it emerged their mojito had still not arrived.

Morgan Freeman to become full-time Nelson Mandela

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.