Naomi Campbell 'Slaughtered Thousands'

SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell was at the head of a brutal war machine that slaughtered thousands, it was claimed last night.

Naomi Campbell's Eyelash Conditioning Appointment Delayed By War Crimes Trial

NAOMI Campbell has revealed how her appearance at some silly war crimes trial had forced her to delay a vital eyelash conditioning appointment.

Andre 3000 To Run For President Of Funkadonia

OUTKAST sex hurricane Andre '3000' Benjamin has launched a bid to become President of the People's Funkpublic of Funkadonia.

So, How Was That Going To Work? Everyone Asks Family Of Dead Japanese Guy

THE relatives pocketing the pension of a Japanese man who had been dead in his bed for 30 years were last night asked exactly how they thought this was going to pan out.

Cameron To Lobby Obama For New Series Of 'Dallas'

DAVID Cameron will today ask President Obama if there is any chance he could bring back Dallas.

Emergency Fried Breakfasts Dropped On Greece

AID organisations are parachuting emergency fried breakfasts into Greece after a tour operator's collapse left thousands of Britons stranded without proper bacon.

You Owe Us A Total Ride, Men Tell Home Office

IF the Home Office has even a shred of decency left it will immediately replace Anna Chapman with something of comparable humpability, Britain's men said last night.

Iran To Rebrand Itself As Lovers' Paradise

IRAN is hoping to attract thousands of Western tourists after rebranding itself as the ultimate destination for lovers.