International

Thank you for the lovely coup, army tells Egypt

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

Go now, dog-faced Stargate aliens tell Mubarak

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

New York smoking ban to halt fall in violent crime

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

Egyptian revolt delays mojito

THOUSANDS of panicked UK tourists in Egypt contacted the Foreign Office last night after it emerged their mojito had still not arrived.

Morgan Freeman to become full-time Nelson Mandela

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

Palin 'hit with dishonesty bullets from .357 Magnum of unfairness'

SARAH Palin has hit out at her critics in the wake of the Tuscon shootings claiming they have fired at her 'with a semi-automatic hunting rifle of injustice'.

America one step closer to realising life is not a film

THE United States has taken another small step towards realising they are not all the stars of some badly written melodrama.

Iran nuclear tour conducted by Willy Wonka

INTERNATIONAL diplomats have been given a tour of Iran's nuclear facilities after finding a golden ticket inside a Lion Bar.