Iran better not f*ck me around today, warns cigarette-free Obama

GIVING up smoking has put Barack Obama in the mood to launch a few warheads, it emerged last night.

Papandreou attempts the short grift

GEORGE Papandreou may be trying to con Europe with the short grift, experts have claimed.

Greeks punch gift horse in the face

GREECE was condemned last night for punching a lovely horse right in its face.

Euro deal after Merkel feels a bit 'Hitlery'

EUROZONE leaders have agreed a landmark deal to save the single currency after the German chancellor said she was feeling a bit 'Fourth Reichy'.

Euro debt crisis to be solved with 200 billion opinions

THE European Union is close to agreeing a deal to save the single currency with a fresh injection of 200 billion opinions into the thinking system.

Ecstatic Libyans still trying to get story straight

COLONEL Gaddafi may have been killed by a bullet that entered a part of his body, the new Libyan government has confirmed.

Libyans appoint Charlie Sheen as transitional dictator

VICTORIOUS rebel leaders have installed former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen as Libya's interim lunatic, it has been announced.

But I was wearing tights, says violent criminal

US vigilante Phoenix Jones has had his costume-based appeal for leniency rejected.