Israel Just Making It Easier For Guardian Readers To Look Good

ISRAEL'S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.

What About Handjobs? Women Ask Pope

DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.

Man Loses Job For Saying Russians Are Corrupt

A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.

Frenchman Wipes Arse

FRANCE is facing its biggest upheaval in more than 40 years after a man from Nice wiped his bottom after going to the lavatory.

Maltese Town Dresses Phallic Statue In School Shorts

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.

US Teenager To Climb Everest For Crafty Ham Shank

AN American teenager has announced plans to scale Mount Everest so he can finally masturbate in peace.

Vatican 'Really Didn't Know About The Holocaust'

THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.

Bush Plea To Cameron Diaz Over 'Onionists'

FORMER US president George W Bush has urged Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz to help secure the support of 'onionists' for the devolution of policing powers in Northern Ireland.