PRESIDENT Obama has announced sanctions against Russia which include a ban on the season finale of True Detective.
THOUSANDS of Russian troops camped on the Ukrainian border have claimed to be looking for the spotted Baltic woodpecker.
CRIMEA'S application to join the Russian Federation has been refused because it is 'cold and boring'.
THE people of Crimea are hoping Vladimir Putin is happy with their overwhelming love for Russia.
THE Irish have been barred from St Patrick's Day celebrations worldwide because they get carried away and ruin it.
THE creator of Bitcoin has been revealed as a mere mortal who cannot dispense hearts, brains or courage.
NATIONALISM continues to be the best way of making everything better, it has been confirmed.
THE United States and Europe have warned Vladimir Putin to watch his post box for a passive-aggressive bombshell.