International

Primark issues hand-stitched denial of poor working conditions

PRIMARK has denied its clothes are made in sweatshops in a statement sewn in sequins on a cardigan made in Bangladesh.

Zuckerberg dies turning Facebook back on

MARK Zuckerberg has sacrificed himself to make Facebook work again.

Salmond accuses JK Rowling of sorcery

SCOTTISH National Party leader Alex Salmond has accused JK Rowling of casting demonic mind-spells.

Still another 100 days until end of dreary Scottish argument

THE utterly hellish argument about what happens to Scotland still has another 100 days to go, it has been confirmed.

China commemorates 25 years since nothing happened

THE People's Republic of China has marked the 25th anniversary of everyone having a pleasant, uneventful day out in Tiananmen Square.

SNP fury as Met Office claims Scottish weather not very nice

SCOTTISH nationalists have reacted with fury after a Met Office study found the country’s weather was really quite unpleasant.

Edinburgh trams 'worth 400 year wait'

EDINBURGH'S tram service has finally opened after 400 years of planning.

I’d have eaten toddler myself if it was smaller, says 'hero cat'

AMERICA'S 'hero cat' has admitted she would kill humans if they were small enough to fit in her mouth.