Xenophobes Welcome Huge, Stinking Metaphor

BRITAIN'S xenophobes were last night celebrating the arrival of an enormous, foul-smelling metaphor wafting over the channel from continental Europe.

Putin To Propose At Sushi Restaurant

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin is to propose to his girlfriend at his favourite Moscow sushi restaurant, the Kremlin has announced. 

Televangelist Challenges Pope To Jew-Hating Contest

US televangelist Pat Robertson has branded the Pope a dangerous liberal and challenged him to prove his Christian credentials in a televised Jew-hating contest. 

China Gives Spare Opening Ceremony Seats To Top Executioners

SEATS at the Olympic opening ceremony, boycotted by western leaders, are to be given to some of China's star executioners, the Beijing government said last night.

Ireland Begins Search For New Chief Leprechaun

IRELAND'S leprechaun catchers were grabbing their nets and pulling on their boots last night as the country began it's search for a new leader.

Mugabe Demands 5000 Gazillion Dollar Pension

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has agreed to resign in exchange for a pension of 5000 gazillion Zimbabwean dollars a year.

Mugabe Must Go, Say Ricky And Bianca

ROBERT Mugabe no longer commands the support of the Zimbabwean people and must resign from office, Ricky and Bianca said last night.

Japan To Offer Free Whaling Lessons

JAPAN is offering free whaling lessons and discounts on harpoons in a bid to encourage more people to take up its favourite leisure pursuit.