Palin leaves gap for nutter
SARAH Palin has opened the way for a class-A nutter to grab the Republican presidential nomination.
After months of will-she-won’t-she speculation, the former Alaskan governor confirmed she would not stand, probably because of all that stuff about her being a bit of a coke-addled skank.
Experts say the move now leaves a gap in the race for the sort of charismatic, fruit-loop moron who will make Republican right-wingers want to touch themselves in the bad place.
US political analyst Helen Archer said: “We still have Michelle Bachmann in the race, but it turns out she gets terrible migraines that cause her to have black-outs and hallucinations. And while Americans can certainly be imaginative at the ballot box, I suspect her insane star may be on the wane.
“Rick Perry seems to be nicely mad on a lot of key issues but seems more of a George W Bush than a Pat Robertson. A bit thick rather than terrifyingly unhinged.
“That leaves Mitt Romney, who can often seem relatively stable. He’s a Mormon, which means he believes Joseph Smith translated a golden book given to him by an angel by staring into the bottom of stovepipe hat, which – I grant you – is pretty fucking mad, but at least he doesn’t rub it in your face.
“What all this means is there is now a huge opening for a firey-eyed, frothing loon who will ban Modern Family and declare war on China unless they stop making pirate copies of Grease 2.”
Archer added: “I don’t think it matters whether it’s a man or a woman as long as you get the impression that at any moment the top of their head could flip open and a little bright orange demon will pop up and ask for a cup of tea.
“I’m actually quite excited.”