Putin unveils enormous middle digit
VLADIMIR Putin has erected a 100ft bronze flipped finger in the middle of Red Square.
The Russian premier and barechested bear grappler unveiled the giant obscenity to celebrate another six years of listening very carefully to the will of the people before chuckling mirthlessly and tossing a few of them into a pit.
Putin said: “This gleaming swivel-digit will last for a thousand glorious years and be an inspiring beacon of up-yours for fellow despots everywhere in what have been some difficult times for acting the totalitarian tit.
“I want the people of my country to know that wherever there is despair, wherever there is disagreement, wherever voices are heard to cry out ‘oh not this homicidal bald arsehole again, surely?’, I will be right behind them, giving them my almighty bird and having them detained indefinitely.”
Hundreds of protestors took to the streets of Moscow to demonstrate against Putin’s inauguration for ten minutes before being beaten up, arrested and detained in the new underground correction centre situated under the giant sculpture.
The jail, already dubbed ‘Fuck-Youlag’ can process 50 detainees an hour with an automated system asking prisoners if they know exactly who they’re screwing with, before administering electric shocks via a probe shaped like Putin’s extended finger.
Putin appeared unperturbed by the protests and enjoyed an inauguration dinner that featured amongst its guests Silvio Berlusconi, who was specifically invited to make Putin look more endearing.
He added “I want to give the people of Russia democracy, freedom, opportunity and unity – but not half as much as I want to give them this cold metal digit, which they can stick right in their ear.”