Russia To Withdraw 400 Lap Dancers

17-07-07

PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has threatened to withdraw an entire squadron of lapdancers from central London, as the diplomatic row with Moscow escalates.

"I am Vladimir. I am king of laps"

Putin said: "Weak British men must pay for naughties. Cannot live without naughties. I take away fruity girls, your country weeps like child with knee injury.

"You say I am bad man. You say I make enemies go 'poof'. I say you cannot live without naked botties in face."

He added: "You make enemy of my Russian tough boys, I buy all your football teams and turn them into pig farms. I am Vladimir. You will obey."

Putin's latest move follows a 98% drop in UK levels of deadly radioactive polonium.

An embassy spokesman said the findings were 'entirely coincidental' after the expulsion of four Russian diplomats, adding: "In Russia everyone carry polonium, in Britain everyone carry crisps. What is problem?

"When chubby British tourists leave Moscow, chocolate level drops by 70%. You are fat but we do not hate you."

Meanwhile Harrods, Fortnum and Mason and a string of Bentley dealership across the South East are bracing themselves for bankruptcy if any more Russians are asked to leave the country.

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